LOST Fic: Juliet & Kate : Fire in her eyes: Chapter 6

Title: Fire in her eyes
Author(s): [info]kassandra_luem  & [info]carlyisnot 
Fandom: Lost
Pairing: Juliet & Kate- (Juliate!)
Rating: PG ish for now
Summary:* "I know all about you, Juliet. You're dead already. Completely dead on the inside. You're not even a human being anymore."
"You know what, Kate? Maybe you're right."*
**The aftermath of a suspicious fire causes Kate to re-evaluate everything she has ever believed about Juliet Burke.**
***Set roughly amidst the chaos of season 3. ***
Disclaimer: We don't own anything!


1 & 2 the2julies.livejournal.com/1328.html
3 the2julies.livejournal.com/1608.html

4 the2julies.livejournal.com/2002.html
5 the2julies.livejournal.com/2132.html

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Lost Fic: Juliet & Kate: Fire in her eyes: Chapter 5

Title: Fire in her eyes
Author(s): [info]kassandra_luem  & [info]carlyisnot 
Fandom: Lost
Pairing: Juliet & Kate- (Juliate!)
Rating: PG ish for now
Summary:* "I know all about you, Juliet. You're dead already. Completely dead on the inside. You're not even a human being anymore."
"You know what, Kate? Maybe you're right."*
**The aftermath of a suspicious fire causes Kate to re-evaluate everything she has ever believed about Juliet Burke.**
***Set roughly amidst the chaos of season 3. ***
Disclaimer: We don't own anything!

1 & 2 the2julies.livejournal.com/1328.html
3 the2julies.livejournal.com/1608.html

4 the2julies.livejournal.com/2002.html





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LOST Fic: Juliet & Kate : Fire in her eyes: Chapter 4

Title: Fire in her eyes
Author(s): kassandra_luem  & carlyisnot 
Fandom: Lost
Pairing: Juliet & Kate- (Juliate!)
Rating: PG ish for now
Summary:* "I know all about you, Juliet. You're dead already. Completely dead on the inside. You're not even a human being anymore."
"You know what, Kate? Maybe you're right."*

**The aftermath of a suspicious fire causes Kate to re-evaluate everything she has ever believed about Juliet Burke.**
***Set roughly amidst the chaos of season 3. ***
Disclaimer: We don't own anything!

xoxox Happy Birthday JuJu xoxox

1 & 2 the2julies.livejournal.com/1328.html
3 the2julies.livejournal.com/1608.html

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Lost Fic: Juliet & Kate: Fire in her eyes: Chapter 3

Title: Fire in her eyes
Author(s): kassandra_luem  & carlyisnot 
Fandom: Lost
Pairing: Juliet & Kate- (Juliate!)
Rating: PG ish for now
Summary:* "I know all about you, Juliet. You're dead already. Completely dead on the inside. You're not even a human being anymore."
"You know what, Kate? Maybe you're right."*

**The aftermath of a suspicious fire causes Kate to re-evaluate everything she has ever believed about Juliet Burke.**
***Set roughly amidst the chaos of season 3. ***
Disclaimer: We don't own anything!

1 & 2 @ our LJ  the2julies.livejournal.com/1328.html

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LOST Fic: Juliet & Kate : Fire in her eyes: Chapters 1 & 2

Title: Fire in her eyes
Author(s): kassandra_luem  & carlyisnot 
Fandom: Lost
Pairing: Juliet & Kate- (Juliate!)
Rating: PG ish for now
Summary:* "I know all about you, Juliet. You're dead already. Completely dead on the inside. You're not even a human being anymore."
"You know what, Kate? Maybe you're right."*

**The aftermath of a suspicious fire causes Kate to re-evaluate everything she has ever believed about Juliet Burke.**
***Set roughly amidst the chaos of season 3. ***
Disclaimer: We don't own anything!

Chapter 1- Kate

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Chapter 2 - Juliet

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Stray Bullets 4-5

 

Chapter 4

 

A very awkward week had gone by since Emily’s spontaneous decision to fly to Egypt with Gideon and her mother. During the day she was mostly left alone, which suited her just fine. But at dinner the Ambassador insisted on her daughters company. Emily didn’t really see why though, because all the Ambassador did was fawn over Gideon. Emily was embarrassed. And there was something in Gideon’s eye when he looked at her that made her feel uncomfortable. As if she were a puzzle he was trying to solve. It unnerved her to realise he was profiling her, she hated it. But she also knew that he just couldn’t help it. It was too deeply ingrained into his entire being. A reflex. As natural as breathing.

 

 And so when Gideon knocked on her door and tentatively stepped into her suite for the third time that week with some meaningless question on his lips and that alert searching  look in his eyes, she didn’t throw him out immediately. Instead she answered whatever question he posed and waited for him to leave.

 

She had wanted to go out into the big local market that was taking place in the main street. The swirling colours, the exotic smells, that reminded her of her childhood and the dry heat all seemed like a good place to lose herself. It was as if the more she immersed herself into this foreign, yet vaguely familiar, culture- the more distance she could place between herself and the horrific events back in DC. Yes, Emily really wanted to go the market. Too bad  Gideon had chosen that day to finally bite the bullet (her mind recoiled from the words as she thought them) and ask straight out about what had happened.

 

“Sounds like you already know the answer.” Emily replied, concluding that Gideon must know something about it to even ask the question.

 

“Not really.” He answered. “I just heard there was some…trouble.” He finished tactfully, trying not to sound so desperate for answers. He really needed the facts to help him make his decision. Should he trust Emily and let her in on his assignment? Could she even provide helpful information? Or would she be a hindrance? He felt increasingly protective towards the Ambassadors daughter, and wanted to warn her to leave, to go far away until this all blew over. But would she go without question? How loyal would she be to her mother?

 

“Gideon.” Emily began, turning away so she would not have to make eye contact. “It was not my finest hour, and I’d really rather not discuss it.” She felt bad at her cold response as he suddenly placed a caring hand on her shoulder. She felt his concern, and wanted to give him the answers he was seeking. But on the other hand, she was sick to death of people demanding answers from her. ‘What have you done Emily? Why did you do it Emily? How could you Emily?” She had nothing for him.

 

“You can trust me Emily.” He gently assured her. And suddenly to Emily he appeared almost…fatherly. It hit her all over again- Gideon as her step father!

She turned the conversation back on to him. “So, what the hell is up with you and my mother? I mean, seriously, what are you thinking?”

 

“It’s not what you think Emily.” He answered softly, his eyes pleading with her to believe him.

 

“It isn’t? Well it sounded quite…distinctive to me. Thanks.” Emily snapped at him.

 

“Emily.” He said again and stepped closer to her. The caring tone in his voice threw her off balance. If only she could tell him.

 

“Gideon.” She said, and this time there was a plea in her voice, a plea to let it go. Because she didn’t know how to answer him without breaking. If only he didn’t look so genuine in his concern.

 

Well, that would change soon enough if she actually opened up to him. He was only trying to solve a puzzle, she told herself. As soon as he had his answers, she’d be of as much interest to him as yesterdays left over milk.

 

“No,” Was all she would say, as she took another step back until the coffee table was between them.

 

Sadly he watched her retreat. It was obvious she wanted to talk about it, needed to talk about it even. But she didn’t trust him. And that stung. But then he thought again. Thought about the pleading expression in her eyes, the cracked defence walls she was clinging to so desperately. And he realised it wasn’t so much him she didn’t trust (even though his ‘relationship’ with the Ambassador certainly didn’t help matters on that). It was herself, her own self control, she didn’t trust. And it saddened him to see her confidence come apart like that.

 

It made him wonder. Wonder if he had any right to pull her into his assignment on top of everything else? It didn’t seem fair to ask for help at a time like this. It also didn’t seem fair to have her staying here, consequently having to observe the whole thing come un done. He wanted her to leave before things got ugly. But he didn’t quite know how to put her on a plane without out either giving her the impression she was no longer wanted here, the third wheel that was finally sent away, or without alerting her to the fact that there was something going on. And her deep dark eyes kept fixing him from behind the coffee table with an expression he didn’t know how to read.

 

The moment was interrupted as the Ambassador burst through the door.

 

“Well well well, what are you two up to?”

 

“Nothing, dearest.” Gideon answered kissing her on the cheek. “I was just getting to know your lovely daughter.”

 

“Yes, I’m sure.” She replied, unconvinced.

 

“Emily, must you insist on dressing like a homeless person? Look at yourself in the  mirror!”

 

“Yes mother.” Emily murmured in response, absentmindedly. Meaning it as an agreement on what ever her mother was ranting about.

 

“Yes? Yes you must insist on dressing like a homeless person?” The ambassador challenged. “I sometimes wonder if you were switched at birth, and my real daughter is out there somewhere, properly presented and dressed appropriately.”

 

Emily sighed, she let the words wash over her, telling herself she was too old to let her mothers disapproval and disappointment crush her spirit, that she had bigger and better things to worry about than this bitter and twisted old woman.

 

It was Gideon who saw the flicker of pain in her eyes. Emily hadn’t realised she even felt it, let alone displayed it. In that moment, Emily looked to him like a broken little girl, and he could not stand by and let the Ambassador get away with speaking to her like this.

 

“ Hey.” He protested.

 

 

Both women looked to him, shocked. No one reprimanded Ambassador Prentiss like that.

 

“Excuse me?” The Ambassador demanded of her fiancé.

 

Quickly Gideon remembered himself, his assignment. And tried to make peace.

 

“Ladies, It’s such a beautiful day for all this arguing, how about we all have lunch?” He suggested.

 

The Ambassador eyed him suspiciously, not impressed. Gideon had been thinking only moment ago, that perhaps if he could not get through tot Emily, could not be the one she opened up to and let help her, Perhaps he would hint for the Ambassador to talk to her daughter. But looking at the cold way the woman treated Emily, he realised this would be the last thing Emily needed.

 

“I’ll meet you later. I need to talk to me daughter. Alone.” The ambassador dismissed him.

 

He had  no choice. He left.

 

Chapter 5

 

Georgia- 2 months prior

 

Emily sat in her motel room, relieved to finally be  alone. They had been questioning her all evening. Insisting she must have seen something, must be able to give them a lead to find JJ. Over and over they’d asked her to recount the evening, until the words she was telling seemed strangely detached from the actual events that had taken place. Not that there was much she could recall anyway. From the first drink on, everything was just a blur. She remembered JJ’s blue eyes sparkling at her from across the table and then – nothing.

 

But they didn’t seem to believe her. Relentlessly she was asked the same questions and relentlessly she gave the same answers: “I don’t know anything… I didn’t see anything.” It was beyond draining. It was painful. It was tormenting. It was unbearable. And finally she could hear the tremble in her voice, the crack that broke the word “anything” in two.

 

It was as if everyone in the room was awakening from some sort of trance. For the first time in this whole hell of an evening they actually looked at her. And it must have been so obvious, everything she felt must have been written on her face like a headline announcement in the Guardian. Suddenly there was an arm around her shoulder, Morgan was telling her how it wasn’t her fault, how everything would be alright and how they would find JJ in no time. She wished she could believe him.

Her lack of faith made her shiver. It wasn’t as if she didn’t trust the team, it wasn’t as if she didn’t trust JJ to be able to take care of herself. It was something different. A deep, primal fear that left no room for things like trust and faith.

 

The others soon followed Morgan’s example. Garcia took her hand and squeezed it gently. She spoke kind soothing words that Emily didn’t let sink into her head. She was close enough to tears, and felt the sudden, urgent need to push them all away. She couldn’t stand the way they all stood around her, their concern and compassion, mothering her, looking at her as if they thought she would break. It was tormenting in a different way to the previous inquisition. She longed for that scene back, the forceful way they spoke, growing irritated with her, and her own bitter response resounding continuously. ‘I don’t know anything, I didn’t see anything, I’m  completely useless and entirely to blame. Hate me for it.”

 

But as the team now stood around her, touching her, whispering to her, looking at her with such pity in their eyes, all she wanted was to disappear. It was intolerable. For reasons that she couldn’t even begin to understand, this cut her so much more deeply than the harsh questioning and accusations.

 

 

She was relieved to be finally alone in her room.  But still, her mind just couldn’t let it go. She paced back and forth. Trying desperately to remember, to think. The harder she tried the further away her fragments of memory slipped. Emily hated herself completely in that moment. She had failed JJ of all people. How could she have let something happen to the most precious person in her life? Eventually her legs grew weary, and she sat, staring out the window. Thinking that out there, somewhere, in a dark and distant place, was JJ. It did no good trying to block out the picture of the many horrific things that may have befallen JJ. Emily played them over and over through her head, one by one, each and every ghastly despicable thing she has seen since joining the BAU. Emily reminded herself that she was the one who let JJ be taken, who didn’t even blink as it happened, as the most important person in her world was snatched away, and couldn’t even remember one thing to help bring JJ home safe. She was the one who deserved to be in trouble right now. Not JJ. JJ didn’t deserve this.

 

Emily tried desperately to picture JJ, picture the last words they spoke to one another. But there was nothing there, it was all a blank. Emily added that to the list of her crimes, forgetting the last words JJ had spoken to her. Perhaps the last words ever. How could she let them slip away unnoticed, just as JJ had slipped away?

 

Suddenly, the silence was broken by the sharp ring of the phone. Emily startled. Who could it be at this hour? The team had finally let her off, Garcia had walked her to her door and offered to stay. What did it mean if someone was calling her now? Could it mean they had found JJ? And if they did, what if she wasn’t alright? What if they found her, but it was too late already?

 

Emily longed to know, needed to know, but at the same time the least thing in the world she wanted to do right now was to pick up the receiver. But still, she needed to know. She owed JJ at least that. With trembling hands she grabbed the phone.

 

“Hello?”

 

There was silence on the other end. Part of Emily was relieved it wasn’t Hotch telling her they’d found JJ’s body. Part of her was disappointed it wasn’t Hotch telling her they’d found JJ and she was alright. But the largest part of her was terrified.

 

“Hello?” she repeated.

 

She could hear something. There was a shuffle of feet on the other end of the line. A gasp. Emily’s heart stopped. It was JJ. She couldn’t have been more sure of it if she was seeing the whole scene right in front of her. JJ. JJ was alive. But her momentary relief was cut short as a piercing scream rang through the phone.

CM Fic: Barricades & Brickwalls 1&2

Title: Barricades and brick walls
Author: Kassandra Luem and Carly Carter
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Pairing: Emily/JJ (Mentions JJ Will)
Rating: K+
Summary: “In your opinion, the only thing that would’ve been more obvious than all those glances, smiles and touches would’ve been to stride right across the bullpen and kiss her straight on the mouth.”    6 months after the wedding, Emily and JJ meet again…..
Disclaimer: Don’t own anything!
A/N: This crazy fic was written on another plane journey, so we apologise in advance for craziness, incnsistencies, and general...whatever. Hope you like it


   

Chapter 1

JJ

 

“Something else, ma’am?”

No reply.

The woman behind the counter looks at you inquiringly, but it’s the slight impatience in her tone that brings you back to the present. You thoughts were everywhere but on your grocery shopping.

“Huh? Sorry...” You mumble and tug a few strands of blonde hair behind your left ear. “No thanks.” You add, take the bag she hands over to you and walk out of the store. You’re late and you’ll have to hurry if you want to get everything done before they arrive. At one time, you wouldn’t have minded if they’d just dropped in sometime and you would just have waited until the food was ready. Or even cooked together.

But that was before.

That was when they still were your family before you decided that you wanted one of your own with Will, that charismatic detective who’d been so passionate and unrelenting in his pursuit for you. Now, you’re still somewhat family but you also are a stranger, someone who no longer shares their everyday life. And as such, you feel obliged to have dinner ready and the house cleaned up as soon as they arrive.

You’re not sure how you feel about all of this. Of course, you’re looking forward to seeing everyone, because you’re missing them dearly. But you’re also scared. Scared that it might be awkward, scared that this evening will only prove to you that everyone has moved on, that they’re getting on just fine without you. While you’re still thinking about them every single day and sometimes, when Henry is asleep and the house is all quiet in the late afternoon sun, you find yourself longing for the buzz of cameras, the scuffle of reports scribbling on their notebooks. You find yourself missing the balance act of answering their questions with just the right mix of cool detachment and joviality.

You know you’re so in for tinnitus one day, from the way you’re turning the volume on your i-pod on maximum in those hours, just to drive that silence away. You hate silence. Silence makes you think. And somehow, somewhere along the way, thinking in general has come to equal thinking of her. Which you know is a bad thing. Because thinking of her makes you feel trapped in your own home and guilty. Guilty, because your first thought in the silence of the early morning and your last thought in the silence of the night isn’t of your husband. It’s of her. Of Emily.

You know all of this and still you can’t stop thinking about her. Which is why you try not to think at all.

You tell yourself that you’ve waited long enough for her to make her move, that she had her chance. You’re sure she was getting the signals you were sending. In your opinion, the only thing that would’ve been more obvious than all those glances, smiles and touches would’ve been to stride right across the bullpen and kiss her straight on the mouth. You’ve waited for months for her to take that final step and turn that flirt you had going on into something more. Something serious. You waited and waited. And waited. Nothing happened. And you got frustrated and insecure. Maybe you had read her signals wrong and she was just enjoying a casual flirt.

And then he came along. Straight-forward, determined and charming. He made it obvious that he wanted you and he was convinced that if only you let him try, he could make you want him too. And you decided that for once in your life, you wanted simple. To just go with the flow and see where it would lead you.

So now, here you are. Everything has been simple enough – the first date, the first kiss, his proposal, your wedding. And truth is: Simple is boring. But you won’t let yourself think that. You won’t let yourself acknowledge that just because things are simple doesn’t have to mean that they’re right as well. You won’t yourself go down that lane, because the picture in your head, the picture of dark eyes and hair the colour of bitter chocolate comes closer and closer every time you do.

Dismissively you shake your head, your hair flying in a circle of gold in front of your eyes. This is pointless. You’ve got a four course dinner to prepare for seven people and a baby to get to sleep before your guests arrive. No, you really don’t have time for what-ifs and could-haves. Right. And your hands aren’t shaking at all as unlock your front door and think of seeing Emily again.

 

Chapter 2

Emily

 

You stare out into the darkness, loud music thumping in your ear drums. This music serves two important purposes. It drowns out your thoughts, at the same time preventing attempts at conversation from your colleagues.

 

You are furiously reading your case brief, or so you want your colleagues to believe. You can’t focus, even though your eyes are glued to the pages. You can’t take anything in, but you can’t turn away.

 

Something grabs you, on the pages, something leaps out in front of your eyes, piercing your  heart. You repeat to yourself the last sentence, you have to read things 2,3,4 times these days for anything to sink in. It’s not like you at all. You hate yourself for slipping like this.

 

 

January 14th, the suspect has a previous conviction July 3rd 1997, and sentenced by the Judge to 3 years Juvenile detention.

 

 

The only thing that sticks in your mind is this: There are 5 “J’s” in that sentence. How can one single letter make you want to cry?

 

It’s been 6 months since you last saw her, and you can’t even read without allowing her to take over your every thought process. She has completely corrupted the English alphabet, how can you escape from that? Every word you speak, every word you hear, every word you read, every word you think. It’s all hers. At this pathetic realisation you slam the folder shut, a little more forcefully than intended.

 

Garcia, sitting across the aisle, eyes you suspiciously. You take a breath, you have to keep cool. You smile reassuringly back in the direction of her worried gaze and remove the headphones.

 

“I have a headache.” You say finally. It takes you a moment as you review your words in your head before you speak, to ensure there are no “J” words about to depart from your lips. You rub your head for effect hoping this seems genuine to her. She only smiles; you see pity in her eyes. It disgusts you. You look away.

 

You lean your head on the window and close your eyes, hoping the others will take it as a sign to leave you alone. Its not like you’re missing anything, they are preoccupied reading and joking around, listening to music. No one seems intently focused on the case. It’s a minor case really. Something the state police don’t really need FBI input for at all. The BAU only became involved because it’s a convenient excuse for a mass trip to go and see her. They are thrilled, all of them, to see her again. You too. But you’re also something else.

 

 

The minute your head collides with the glass and you rest your eyes you feel the panic rising. This gesture somehow makes you look vulnerable, weak, the last thing you wanted. You know you need to look strong, together, normal.  One thing you can’t take is pity, concern, love. You don’t know how, you never experienced it before. People looking at you, seeing something not right, caring, trying to make you feel better. It’s foreign to you. And the thought that one of them might get close enough to see even half of the crazy thoughts in your head these last weeks terrifies you.  If any of them knew how much time you spent thinking of her,

 

JJ, you sing in your head. Then stop yourself. No, not “JJ”. Just “J.” Since that day.

 

You knew it would kill you inside, you went anyway. Partly for appearances sake, and partly, simply, because she asked you to.  You didn’t want to see it for yourself. But you love her. You saw the look on her face when you hesitated as she asked you to be her bridesmaid. She was hurt, she didn’t understand, and seeing her pain hurt you. You couldn’t abandon her, no matter how much it killed you. After all, without her you are nothing, so what did it matter? And she looked so fucking beautiful, so happy. You wished she belonged to you.

 

Even though you couldn’t stand it, somehow you needed to be there, to see it up close. So that you would see, know and believe the truth. She isn’t yours. She was never yours. You needed to see it, so you could have that painful image to bring to mind over and over and over to remind yourself to let it go.

 

She doesn’t want you, not anymore. Maybe she never did.  Maybe she never meant the words she said. You hate the way that makes you feel so powerless. As if you had no choice about anything. Just like this trip. There was no way you could say no, no way for you to escape.

 

Even if there was, how could you have resisted this chance? No matter how much it hurt. The desire to protect yourself and the remaining shred of dignity you clung to was strong.  But even stronger was that desire to see her once again.

 

You asked yourself, if you did have the choice, what is it you would have chosen? Would you choose to be happily free?  Would you choose to give up that glimmer of hope? Could you?

 

You try desperately to make use of your above average compartmentalising skills. You’ve spent your life time building up this defence mechanism. It’s always served you extremely well. So you take a moment, and begin segregating facts and feeling, memories, fears. It calms you, dissociating the thoughts and events, the pieces of your life. It’s soothing at first.

 

You begin with the trip. This trip is just part of your job, that’s all. No, not job. You scold yourself for using another of those ‘J’ words. Your career, the case. You can’t even remember a single piece of information about this case or this trip. You’re losing it. It doesn’t even frighten you anymore, you’re so far gone.  

 

You spent the last hour staring at the fucking file, and you can’t even list one basic fact about this case. But you could tell whoever asked that there were precisely 327 occurrences of the letter J in that document.

 

And just like that your highly, segregated dissociated, neatly organised, strictly compartmentalised world view that rules every aspect of your life has shattered. The whole idea behind it was  keeping things shut off from one another, so that one thing could not affect the other, and so that nothing could affect you. JJ succeeded in a way that you’ve never known anyone or anything to be able to. She’s completely shattered every compartment inside you head. It leaves you frighteningly defenceless.

 

How could you compartmentalise her anyway even if you still had the ability? Is she a colleague? A friend? A soul mate? Someone you miss? Someone dead who you mourn for?

 

You open your eyes to see that Garcia has moved from her spot and is sitting opposite you. You resent the sight of her sitting there, in JJ’s spot. You want to scream at her to move.  Why should Garcia be there? Taking your hand? With concern and compassion in her eyes? Knowing something, knowing your deepest desires, seeing how deeply this loss affected you? How can she be there seeing all that, and JJ not?  It isn’t fair.

 

“How’s your headache?” She asks you finally.

 

“Fine.” You answer.

 

“Emily.” She says quietly.

 

You can’t stand to hear it. But what can you do?  Your whole team is here. You want to shut your eyes and go away. But also, somehow, you want her to see.

 

You don’t know what you want, Emily.

 

You want to see her. You want to run. You want her to be happy. You want her to miss you.  But it doesn’t matter what you want. You have no choice.

 

“I’m going to the bathroom.” you say finally, needing to get away from Garcia’s searching eyes.

 

You realise as soon as you get there that you can’t hide there for long. You can’t do what you most want in that moment; To jump out of the window and float through the clouds. At least it would be what you most wanted to do if ‘jump’ wasn’t one of those insidious ‘J’ words. You suppose you could merely fall out the window, that would be suitable.

 

You can’t scream, the others will hear you. You can’t cry, they will see. So you close your eyes tight, and in the dark spaces inside your head you silently scream, scream and scream.

Everything is so confusing, so frustrating, so painful. You’re afraid of her, you realise. Afraid that you’ll see it in her eyes. See how little you mean to her, how insignificant you are. When you feel like she is everything to you, how can it be that you are worth nothing to her?

 

You take a breath. Don’t be afraid to look her in the eye, you silently encourage yourself. You’ve seen it before. You’ve survived it. You’ll be alright. Emily, get a grip, please. She has moved on, she has a husband, a baby. You’ve moved on too.

 

You laugh bitterly to yourself. No, you haven’t moved on. It was on this very jet (another j word) that she sat opposite you and told you what a good mother you’d make. You’d never seen it like that, not until she mentioned it. And since that day you’ve been dreaming about a family, a future. For the first time in your life you believed it could happen for you. With her.

 

And now you look to your future. You see that she is gone. You see nothing.


CM Fic: Stray Bullets 1 -3

Chapter 1

 

Emily surveyed her surroundings with trepidation. There was almost nobody at all waiting at her gate. It felt weird, sitting here, knowing that she was about to take a commercial flight for the first time in years. How her life had changed.

 

She allowed herself no time to lament over her past mistakes and regrets however, as the message over the loud speakers asked her to board her plane headed for Germany. She picked up her bag and headed for the gate. It was then she heard a man’s voice call her name and she spun around quickly, not able to recognise the voice immediately.

 

Was that Gideon  waving at her from the adjacent gate?  A quick glance at the screen over the counter informed her that his plane was headed for Egypt. What the hell was Gideon doing in Egypt? She wished she had the time to go over to him and talk. She hadn’t seen him ever since he disappeared after the case with Tubbs.

 

“Emily!” he called again and as she waved back, she made a split-second decision. Surely she had a few more minutes before she ‘had’ to board the plane. After all she was Emily Prentiss, the plane would wait for her. It never entered her consciousness that the pilot would take off without her, so un accustomed to commercial air travel was she. As she neared the spot Gideon stood, she noticed he was not alone.  He stood with his arm affectionately draped around a woman Emily took another moment to recognize- Her mother.

 

“Mother?” She asked incredulously. “What are you doing here?” And it took her a few seconds of dumfounded staring to realise she probably should at least say hello to Gideon. When she finally opened her mouth again to greet him, he had the kind of calm smile on his face that told her he knew exactly why it had taken her so long to so much as acknowledge him.

 

“Emily, Your mother and I…” He trailed off

 

“Yes?” Emily challenged, uncertain she really wanted to hear the rest of this explanation.

 

“Emily.” Her mother spoke abruptly, commanding her instant attention. “Jason and I are engaged.”

 

Gideon leaned forward as if on cue, and kissed the Ambassador. He saw the horror in Emily’s eyes, but he had to play along for now. Besides he didn’t know if he could trust Emily. He had heard rumours about the incident at the BAU. For the moment, he saw no option but to continue with the charade that he was in love with Ambassador Prentiss. After all, that was what he had to do.

 

In the back of his head, Gideon was glad to notice that Emily was about to leave the country. When all of this blew up, he didn’t think he really wanted Emily to live through all of that. She deserved better, he thought. Even though the incident at the BAU made him wonder how much of the Emily Prentiss he’d known was left in the person standing in front of him.  With all that had happened, he realised she must have been affected deeply. But to point a gun at one of her colleagues? He wondered what had driven her to that point.

 

“Emily dear, you look pale. Are you all right?” Asked the Ambassador.

 

“Uh, well..”Emily stammered, thinking she was not really all right at all.

 

“Don’t you have a plane to catch?” Prompted Gideon, not wanting to prolong the uncomfortable encounter.

 

“Yes.” Emily answered. On one hand she was glad to get away, on the other she needed some answers. As Emily looked over her shoulder, she saw it happen. Her plane. Taking off. Without her in it.

 

“Oh fuck.” Emily muttered.

 

“Emily, That’s unladylike.” Her mother reprimanded.

 

“Was that your plane?” Gideon enquired, having noticed Emily’s last look as her plane took off without her.

 

“Uh, yes.” Emily murmured, somewhat reluctant to admit it.

 

“Oh.” Was all the Ambassador had to say. “What did you want to go to Germany for anyway?” She added dismissively, and Emily could tell she wasn’t really interested in the answer. But Gideon looked at her intently and it was for his sake that she actually tried to formulate some sort of response

 

“Visiting some friends.” She said vaguely. The Ambassador stared at her, Gideon nodded.

 

“I know!” The Ambassador exclaimed suddenly, “Come to Egypt with us. We can all catch up, And you can catch a connecting flight to Germany in a few days. You must help with the wedding preparations. Isn’t that right Jason?”

 

“Umm, I’m not sure Emily wants…” His voice trailed off as he was overpowered by the Ambassador pushing past him and taking Emily’s hand

 

“Yes, let’s get a ticket.” The Ambassador exclaimed.

 

As she was dragged away by her mother, Emily cast a look over her shoulder at Gideon, the expression on her face somewhere between resigned, apologetic and disbelieving. Gideon just nodded at her, knowing how the Ambassador could be once she set her mind to something. It wasn’t Emily’s fault things had turned out the way they did. He just hoped that connecting flight would leave soon; he didn’t want Emily to get caught up in everything that was happening around her mother. But on the other hand, Gideon was curious and couldn’t wait for a chance to talk to Emily about what had happened at the BAU. He wondered if she’d come to terms with everything yet. How she was handling the aftermath of what had happened in Georgia. In Georgia, when they’d nearly lost JJ because someone had spiked their drinks and Emily had been too drugged to realize that JJ was being taken.

 

Chapter 2

 

3 Weeks Prior

 

Emily could hear the sound of her heart beating. It was all she could hear. The rest of her world was deadly silent. She looked around the room; Hotch, Rossi, Reid, Morgan, Garcia, JJ. Her team. Her family. Then back to the document in her hands. She stared at the words, blinking, not able to take it in. Her team waited for answers.

 

“Well, Prentiss?” Hotch demanded to know. “Have you anything to say about this matter?”

 

Emily could not answer, she had no words to begin.

 

Rossi spoke “I think it’s quite clear these are the facts. Do you deny that, Agent Prentiss?”

 

Emily wanted to scream ‘No! It’s not true!’ Trouble was – it was the truth. Most of it. There was no point lying to her colleagues, they would see right through it. She knew she had broken some very important rules. But she had no choice. It was her fault JJ was in danger in the first place. She had to make sure nothing happened to her ever again. That’s why she had done it! But how could she explain that she just could not live without JJ? That JJ meant more to her than her job, the FBI, the law, her own life?

 

She couldn’t. And so all she did was shake her head mutely until Rossi’s sharp gaze finally pulled an answer out of her.

 

“No, I don’t deny that.”

 

After those words, silence fell again and she knew they were waiting for some kind of explanation. When none was forthcoming, Hotch finally cleared his throat and said “Well? Why did you do it, Agent Prentiss?”

 

The silence Emily met that question with was solid like a brick wall. He felt as if his words were like little stones flying towards it, hitting it and then falling to the ground without leaving so much as a scratch. It angered him, her impassive, expressionless face angered him. He was putting so much on the line for her to keep this a secret from Strauss, they all were. And she didn’t even have the decency to tell them why she’d gotten them into this position in the first place. He could feel himself getting more and more worked up. He was just about to demand some kind of answer in a less than friendly manner, when instead, JJ’s soft, caring voice broke the silence.

 

“Emily?” she prompted.

 

Emily turned her gaze to JJ, unable to look away. They all stood, waiting for answers, expecting some sort of justification. They deserved it. Emily had never felt like such a failure in her entire life as she did in that moment, unable to give them even one simple answer. But as soon as Emily’s eyes locked with JJ’s, the others disappeared from her consciousness. Emily took a hesitant step towards JJ, searching her eyes. If JJ had smiled at her, or looked at her kindly, given her the slightest hope that she might still be able to respect her, then maybe, she would have answered. While JJ’s words were kind, her eyes were cold.

 

Emily realised in that moment, she had lost JJ already. Besides, what good would an explanation do? To drag JJ into it? To make her feel guilty? Emily had put her own needs above the law and Hotch would be right to dismiss her. And she could have lived with that. Barely. But to go through all this and lose JJ too? No. Emily turned, slowly, confidently, calmly walked out of the door.

 

It took Hotch a moment to react. She had left so naturally, so elegantly, that for a moment, he didn’t realise what had happened. The others stood, looking to him. He reached for his phone, calling security. It broke his heart to do it like this – but she had broken his trust and the law, and offered no explanation, no reason, no apology to her team. She must realise what would happen if she tried to leave the building now, with her gun, her badge, the classified information in that document.

 

Hotch turned to follow  - motioning for the rest of the team to stay put. Why put them through this ugly scene? Why humiliate Emily more than necessary? He had wasted his words, the others followed him swiftly down the hall.

 

Emily stood trapped. To her left, four security guards stood with their guns pointed at her, demanding she hand over her weapon, badge and the document. To her right her team – shocked, disappointed, angry, afraid.

 

“Emily, please.” Garcia begged, tears in her eyes, worried her stubborn friend would get herself shot.

 

Emily looked to them, unable to live with their condemnation and pity. There was only one way out. What kind of life would she have? In jail? Her team hating her? JJ hating her? She slowly pulled her gun, but instead of handing it to security she picked it up and aimed it at her head.

 

Someone screamed.


Chapter 3

 

It was Garcia. Emily could hear her sobbing, but her eyes were fixed on JJ. Wide, clear oceans of blue stared at her, tears pooling in them, spilling over and running down her cheek. Involuntarily, slowly, she raised her hand, as if to touch Emily. Emily could almost feel the touch of JJ’s hand on her arm even though she was standing at the other end of the room.

 

“Emily” Morgan said firmly and took a step towards her. Her eyes ripped away from JJ’s and focussed on the man that had been like a brother to her for the last two years. And now, she could see the plea in his eyes, the plea not to put all of them through this, the plea not to do what she so desperately felt was the only way out at that moment. She didn’t know how to give him what he was asking for. He’d been so angry, he’d shouted and lashed out at her. And now here he was, coming towards her, asking her in the name of all of them to keep going even if she didn’t have anything left to keep going for.

 

The gun in her hand trembled, she could feel her insides clenching and from the corner of her eye, she could see Hotch gesticulating wildly to someone. Garcia was still sobbing and Reid just looked too shocked to react in any way. Her team. Her family. The people she had lost. The people she had given up because she’d thought it was the only way to keep JJ safe. And now here was JJ, safe and sound but with a look of utter terror on her face that Emily knew she would never forgive herself for. She took another step back, needing to put some distance in between herself and those people she cared for so deeply. There was no way back. She pressed the gun more firmly against her temple, the more she felt her hands shake, the harder she needed to feel the cold mouth of the gun against her skin.

 

“Emily.” a trembling voice whispered.

 

“JJ…” Emily said, her voice breaking in between the two letters.

 

“Please, Emily, put down the gun.”

 

“I can’t.” Emily answered helplessly. ‘How can I?’ she thought. ‘It’s all that I have left.’

 

“Please, trust me, Emily.” JJ said, stepping closer. “Please.”

 

“Please step back.” The security guard ordered JJ, but Hotch sent the man a look that silenced him. This day had been gruelling enough, he didn’t want any blood shed. He trusted JJ was the best person to get through to Emily in that moment.

 

Morgan watched on, as JJ moved closer, he saw Emily stiffen in fear. He pulled his own gun. He took aim before Hotch noticed, Hotch was too focussed on the girls. Morgan was a good shot. He would just aim for the gun, shoot it down away from Emily’s head. He was confident she wouldn’t be badly injured. And then, something happened.

 

Emily’s eyes widened in fear. She was longing for JJ, but frightened too. She pointed the gun at the blonde woman still metres away from her. She would never hurt JJ. She just couldn’t bear her to come any closer.

 

The security guards drew their weapons, Morgan aimed his gun and Emily held her own gun pointed at JJ. Then, there was a shot.

 

~

 

Present day.

 

On a plane somewhere above the Atlantic, Gideon noticed Emily starting to fret in the seat beside his. At first, he was inclined to ignore it, knowing how embarrassed she’d be if he actually woke her up now. But when she started thrashing around and kicked him in the sides with her elbow for the first time, he decided it was probably better to wake her up. She was moaning and whimpering in her sleep and her whole face was one of helpless terror. For a moment, it threw him to see Emily so different from the way she usually presented herself to the world. When she was sleeping, there was no compartmentalizing to hide behind, no Prentiss-mask to keep up. And somehow it scared him. He’d never seen this side to her and he was so used to cool, calm and collected Agent Prentiss that he didn’t quite know how to deal with emotional, troubled and unguarded Emily.

 

The second blow to his sides threw him out of his reverie however and he knew he just had to wake her. Slowly, cautiously, he reached over and lightly touched her shoulder.

 

“What are you doing?” the Ambassador inquired suspiciously, looking at him with a critical eye.

 

“I’m trying to wake her. She’s having a nightmare.” He explained, not sure if Emily would actually want her mother to know. But he couldn’t have the Ambassador being suspicious and withdrawing from him. Not now, when he was so close to completing his assignment and finally getting back to his life – a life that didn’t involve Ambassador Elizabeth Prentiss.

 

~~

 

Deep inside her troubled nightmare, Emily stood in the hall of the FBI building.

 

One second she had the gun pointed at JJ, scared of her coming closer, of her breaking through the wall of finality she had erected in between herself and this cruel reality she saw herself confronted with. And the next second, the gun was ripped from her hand by a sharp, hot jolt of something against the metal handle. It happened so fast she only noticed she wasn’t holding the gun anymore when it scattered across the floor and came to a stop somewhere between her and Garcia’s feet. And she only fully realized she hadn’t been able to prevent her stiff index finger from pulling the trigger when the second shot rang through the deathly silent hall.

 

Her hand hurt like hell, she’d probably sprained her wrist. But her hand was the farthest thing from her mind as she raised her gaze from the gun on the floor and looked up into JJ’s wide open eyes, her face frozen in horror, her entire frame starting to shake.

 

Emily’s gaze moved slightly past JJ’s head and with her heart dropping into a bottomless abyss she noticed the tiny, circular hole in the glass wall, mere centimetres beside where JJ was standing.